Cunning and Baffling

Unusual for me to write a blog on Sunday but something that was said to me this week has haunted me since I heard it. It's consequences were nearly catastrophic and its results were good but sad, and yet it speaks to the very root of what we deal with every day.

Let me be the first to say that I have made some incredibly bad decisions, but a lot less lately. As I have grown farther away from my using days the light bulb has come on quicker and God has poured His Spirit into my thoughts - it's His wisdom taking effect.  It has allowed me to look at things from the inside out instead of the outside in.

A woman returned from a relapse with the story that her kids found her unresponsive to an overdose on the floor of her house. She was revived with Narcan - this was after having more than a year clean and thoroughly working the Steps, But something was missing. The reason given for all of this made no logical sense and was truly cunning and baffling.

Yet it took me back into a self examination of my own previous decisions, the people I hurt, the out of control lifestyle I lived and the total self centeredness of my addiction. Nothing else mattered except getting what I wanted and it made no sense as I looked back on it because I had so much that I squandered away.

As I took three of my grandchildren school shopping yesterday (an annual thing for me) I thought of how they have never seen their Papa like he used to be, as well as my youngest daughter who was with us. None of them knew the craziest of me, but some of my other kids did. I might as well have been passed out on an overdose for all the pain I inflicted upon them.

The toughest part of that cunning and baffling statement is how it affects those we love, and years later for them though they may have forgiven us, it still hurts. That's why when I found my own missing piece it was enough to drive the demons away from my soul and because He forgave me, I could forgive myself.

​It was God doing for me what I could not do for myself - find some sense of sanity from an insane life!